The details somehow make it worse. Thomas Müller scored twice, with Perišić, Gnabry, Kimmich and Lewandowski also finding the net. Then came the finishing touch: Philippe Coutinho, on loan at Bayern from Barcelona, scored Bayern’s seventh and eighth goals. It was also the first time Barça had conceded eight in a match since 1946. If you are going to collapse, apparently you might as well make it historic.

And then there is Hansi Flick. He was Bayern’s coach that night. Six years later, he is sitting on the Barcelona bench, having extended his contract until 2028. The man who oversaw one of the most brutal nights in the club’s history was eventually hired to lead its rebuild. Football occasionally writes satire better than we can.

It’s only a statistical model, of course, but those numbers should make for pleasant reading in Barcelona. Atlético Madrid sit miles behind at just 8.6%, while Opta gives Barça a 92% chance of qualifying for the Champions League. The players haven’t even had time to properly dirty their new shirts and the computer is already handing them the trophy.

There is one inconvenient detail: the other 54.4% of simulations. Football still insists on making everyone play 38 matches, and Mourinho’s Real Madrid probably won’t concede the title because an algorithm told them to. Barça start as the computer’s favourites. Now comes the slightly more difficult task — becoming champions outside Opta’s servers.

Barcelona chose not to keep Rashford after his loan ended. They are now looking for another striker, remain unsure about Ferran Torres’ future and are watching yet another player walk away from their “project”. The squad planning remains impressively consistent: the departures are real, while the replacements mainly exist in headlines.

The 28-year-old played six matches at the World Cup, scored once and reached the semi-finals with England. Fenerbahçe have not won the Turkish title since 2014, but at least they appear to understand that signing players sometimes requires paying for them. In Barcelona, that part of the transfer market is still treated as a fairly controversial theory.

As FIFA explains on its website, supporters voted after each round. Following the final, they selected players from the previous winners as well as additional candidates nominated by the organisers. FIFA also retained the right to “confirm” the results. Vozinha was chosen in goal, with Pedro Porro, Upamecano, Lisandro Martínez and Cucurella in defence. Rodri, Olise and Bellingham formed the midfield, while Haaland, Messi and Mbappé completed the attack. Unai Simón, officially the best goalkeeper at the World Cup, can also enjoy looking at the team on FIFA’s website.

Of course, votes like this are closer to popularity contests than serious tournament analysis. Barcelona can therefore safely count Messi as one of their own, award Cubarsí a moral victory and blame the absence of everyone else on a global conspiracy. After all, Barça won the World Cup — unless someone asks for the names.